


City of Numb Dreams

by The_Hawk_Eye



Series: Path to the end [2]
Category: Jojo Rabbit (2019)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Declarations Of Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Feelings, Finkel POV, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, M/M, Moments of happiness, Period-Typical Homophobia, Sad, Self-Acceptance, Sex, Tags Are Hard, World War II, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-01
Updated: 2020-03-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:35:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22976272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Hawk_Eye/pseuds/The_Hawk_Eye
Summary: "Laugh all you want, move your hands or cross your legs if that feels right... Be yourself."Be yourself.The words sound weird. Nobody has ever told him that. He has been hiding what he is since he was a child. He doesn't know how to be himself.
Relationships: Freddy Finkel/Captain Klenzendorf
Series: Path to the end [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1650736
Comments: 10
Kudos: 78





	City of Numb Dreams

**Author's Note:**

> This is the second part of this story. I've been writing almost non stop since I finished my other fic which is weird because I am slow and inconstant... but this time I've been able to keep writing without losing my energy and the inspiration. 
> 
> And this is the result.

Klenzendorf's hometown is nice. They have everything they need and there is a centre to take care of their wounds. They swim and do the different exercises the nurses tell them to do. They start preparing everything for the first camp of the Deutsches Jungvolk. When they meet Fräulein Rahm, Klenzendorf smiles.

"This is good." He says when they are alone. "They care a shit about us." The woman is crazy and so naive. "This is good, mostly for you." Finkel looks at Klenzendorf without understanding what he said that. "I've heard what the nurse tells you every day about your pain and the tension." The man is pointing at him now. "You can relax now." Klenzendorf goes to him and stops behind him. He puts his hands on his shoulders and massages them with care. "You're tense all the time and that is not good for you." He keeps touching him and Finkel groans when he makes more pressure. "Nobody gives a shit about is here. The kids won't see anything, women are too worried about their husbands or sons to look at us twice, old people just want to survive and Fräulein Rahm is crazy." Finkel nods, she is crazy. "Which mean you can enjoy this and just relax; laugh all you want, move your hands or cross your legs if that feels right... Be yourself."

Be yourself.

The words sound weird. Nobody has ever told him that. He has been hiding what he is since he was a child. He doesn't know how to be himself. Klenzendorf keeps massaging his neck and shoulders and it feels so good. His fingers travel around his skin and one of them goes up, it goes through his chin till his mouth. Finkel opens it and bites his finger when he puts it inside his mouth. Finkel looks up to his captain and closes his eyes with anticipation. Klenzendorf kisses him and his body starts burning. He wants more. "The door is closed." Finkel reminds him.

Klenzendorf turns around and kisses him again. Finkel receives him eagerly and opens his legs to let the captain deepens the kiss. Finkel clings onto the neck of his shirt. When they break contact, Finkel gets lost in his eye. He is smiling. Klenzendorf caresses his cheek and Finkel lingers that moment.

Finkel tries to relax after that. He is not sure about what to do because he has always been very aware of all his mannerism and gestures, he has been controlling them since forever. It is difficult but every moment he is tense, Klenzendorf passes next to him and touches him. It doesn't matter where they are, or who is worth them. As Klenzendorf said nobody cares. They are discreet but they relax around d people. And Finkel's pain vanishes little by little. He talks more after that and smiles more. He changes the way he moves and it feels liberating. In the pool, he sits with his legs crossed and nobody looks at him twice, not even Fräulein Rahm.

He meets Rosie one day; she is signing his son for the Deutsches Jungvolk. She seems exasperated and doesn't treat Captain Klenzendorf with respect. Her son is a true nazi and wants to join and help the military. When she is explaining that, she sees Finkel who is in a corner. She raises one of her perfect eyebrows and smiles. "You have help here for what I can see." She says still looking at Finkel.

"Another cripple like myself."

"He doesn't look..."

"He is, but his beautiful face is intact," Klenzendorf explains. "I've been lucky. Imagine to be with a one-eyed such as myself all day long... not a pleasant view, but this one is not repulsive."

"Not at all." Her voice sounds jokingly. "But let's talk about your camp; is it dangerous?"

"It's for kids."

". That’s not my question. I know you will give knives to those kids."

"To teach them how to use them so they can be safe with one."

"And the grenades?"

"You're thinking too much Rosie." Klenzendorf is being dismissive. Finkel knows perfectly it won't be safe. He has seen some teenagers screaming and insulting others, and those stupid teenagers will be in the camp. There will be some accidents with the knives and some children will go back home with some burns since Fräulein Rahm is so into burning books. "I will take care personally of the boy." He promises.

"I have your word then." Rosie leaves after that with a bright smile and winks at Finkel. She knows, but she doesn't care. This is the first time Finkel sees a normal person not caring; this feels nice.

And after that, Finkel stops caring completely. The nurse is happy to see the tension has disappeared completely and Klenzendorf seems more relaxed too. They start messing around when they finish their chores for the camps. They have a big office that they share only with Fräulein Rahm who, Finkel decides after some days, is crazy. Adult people tend to repeat what the propaganda says about demons and hypnotic power, but they don't really believe it because it is stupid and impossible. However, Fräulein Rahm swallows all the lies and believes in them. It is disturbing and sad. Finkel should feel sorry for her, but one day she talked about the deviant behaviour of some men under the devil spell, thus, Finkel along with Klenzendorf started mocking her.

When Fräulein Rahm talks about Jews and their power, Finkel always exaggerates his gestures and incites her to keep talking. According to her, half of the world should be exterminated, he discovers one afternoon. She explains how many kids she has given to the Reich and how his husband was killed during his first battle. It is sad, disturbing and terrifying. The woman is crazy and that is why she never questions the things they do in the office which is perfect. Finkel can buy a record player for them and every morning he listens to music and even dances alone under Klenzendorf's gaze. Nobody cares. They are forgotten as long as they put in on with the Reich.

"I like this." Klenzendorf says when they are alone. They are always the last to leave. "This Freddie." Finkel freezes when he hears his name. He hates that name. His father always used it to call him names after and blame him for everything bad that happened in the house. Klenzendorf must notice something because he cups his face with his hands to make Finkel look at him. "What's wrong?" Finkel doesn't know how to explain himself. He doesn't like his name. "You don't like Freddie, don't you?" Finkel nods. "I'm sorry." He apologizes.

"It's fine. Finkel is fine." Klenzendorf strokes his perfect air with a smile. He is not happy with this.

"No, no... it's not fine. You don't like it." Finkel wants to be called with tenderness but not by his name. Asking for a nickname is stupid. He is going to say something when they hear someone coming. Klenzendorf moves away as fast as possible and one second later, Fräulein Rahm enters.

"I forgot some papers." She says with a smile. "Working is never too much when you do it for your country." She stops looking at Finkel. "I can see I'm not the only one exhausted at this hour." She takes a folder and goes to Finkel. "However, that is no excuse to be a mess sub-official Finkel." After that, she passes her fingers through his hair until it is perfect again. "This is a better look on you."

"Danke, Fräulein Rahm."

"It's nothing." She leaves with a smile. And the moment the door is closed, Finkel breathes, that was... exciting. He is about to say something when Klenzendorf sits on his laps and dips his fingers on his hair. He moves his hands slowly and takes his time to dishevel his hair. They don't kiss, Finkel doesn't dare to move right now. He enjoys the moment, his warm fingers playing in his head. He closes his eyes and lets him do whatever he wants. Finkel is hard when Klenzendorf finishes and moves away.

His captain grabs his crotch and smiles satisfied with what he is touching. He unbuttons his pants and puts his hand inside his underpants. He starts masturbating him, the way he likes it. The door is not closed with the safe, if Fräulein Rahm would decide to come back to get something else, she would find them in this situation. It is dangerous but they don't stop. They don't dare to say anything. They know what they are doing and the risks. This is not like in the camps but it still very dangerous. Nonetheless, they don't stop. Finkel puts away his braces and moves to take off his pants. He drowns his moans with his hand first and then he bites Klenzendorf's jacket hard. He comes in his hand calling him his captain.

They smile at each other satisfied. Klenzendorf cleans him with a towel he always has hidden in one of the drawers of his desk.

When they are ready to leave, Klenzendorf strokes his hair one last time. "This is a better look on you." It is all he says.

Finkel sees Jojo arriving with a fatty boy. He is glowing just for being here. The other boy looks normal, like the kind of child who is just here because it is his duty. Finkel sighs, that is the boy they have to take care of. He seems clumsy and he is, Finkel discovers later when he falls because the knots of his shoes were undone and the fatty boy had to do the lace. He rolls his eyes and goes with Captain Klenzendorf and Fräulein Rahm who are ready to start. They have been practising this for days and they are really proud of it. Klenzendorf intimidates the children and gives some perfect shoots. He is called captain K for the children.

After his no stabbing, Finkel provokes some random children who slightly stab each other. And makes a child throw a big rock on other's stomach. It is a good day for him. Fräulein Rahm tells stupid stories about Jews and demons and mind control. As always, she is hilarious and terrifying. At night, they burn books. Finkel wants to stay next to Klenzendorf but after the attack, he doesn't like being near to fire. He feels nervous and it is unsettling the way the fire moves and explodes with every book. He watches Klenzendorf in the distance who empties his flask. When that happens, Finkel goes to refill it.

"It wasn't necessary sub-official Finkel." He says after a long sip. "I'm fine." But he is not. Finkel wants to stay with him but the fire reflects on his fake eye and he trembles. "Thank you for your service, you can leave now."

"Thank you, my Captain." He leaves and goes back to his place. The children look happy. Some of the books they are burning are about the Fürher and the Third Reich but they don't know it. They put them there to make space in their shelves for vinyl records. Fräulein Rahm hasn't noticed anything which is not a surprise for them.

That night, they fuck in the forest. They don't need to speak to know what they are going to do. Finkel goes first, he leaves the camp when all the children are inside their tents and waits. His clothes reek of ash. He lays on the ground and looks at the stars through the trees. Since they are in this town, their lives are better. Finkel can move and dance in whatever way he wants. Nobody cares about what they do in here as long as they send reports from time to time and the Deutsches Jungvolk works and children learn something. Finkel doesn't live in constant terror and the pain on his back has faded completely, and his wounds hurt sometimes but not so much. They can do weird stuff in front of Fräulein Rahm and she never says anything about how odd they act. They have been testing the woman: they have danced together in an unconventional way and she hasn't reacted at all. Finkel likes what they have here. It is almost peaceful for them. The Gestapo unsettles them but they don't go to the office very often.

Finkel hears steps and sits. Klenzendorf appears and without a word, he kneels and kisses him. He stinks but Finkel doesn't complain. He works fast and undresses him. He takes off his boots and uses his clothes as a blanket on the ground. Klenzendorf works on his clothes too. In a matter of minutes, they are naked on the ground with Klenzendorf's coat over them. Finkel sees the melancholy in his eye. He kisses him hard on his lips and abandons them. He sits astray and looks at him. He can see the scars on his arm and body. Klenzendorf has never tried to hide them, he has never seen the man ashamed of them. Finkel envied the way he carries them with such dignity and mocks himself whenever he wants, not giving the chance to others who could want to hurt him. Finkel licks the scars. He follows the traces and kisses them. He sighs his name and calls him his captain. Those words always cheer him a little bit. The smell of the smoke in around them, but together they can ignore it. Tonight, Klenzendorf needs to be taken care of. Finkel touches him and kisses him. Finkel takes his time to make him feel better. And finally, he fucks him. Finkel goes inside him without the hurry of the first times. He takes his time to make him feel good, to adapt. His dick beats inside him but Finkel has learnt to be patient. He is not in an alley anymore. Klenzendorf's hands grab his arms when he is ready and Finkel feels his fingers digging into his skin when he starts moving. Finkel can only hear his irregular breathing, his restrained moans. He comes first inside him but takes his time till Klenzendorf orgasm before he rests next to him.

Finkel looks at the man whose eyes are closed. He licks his neck to taste him and kisses him after that.

"You're disgusting." Klenzendorf laughs softly. He doesn't understand his obsession with the way his body tastes. He passes his arm under his neck and moves him until his head is resting on his chest. Finkel hears his heartbeats. His index finger travels around his chest. "We have survived the first day with only two stabbing, some bruises and a boy with a bandage on his head. I think we did a good job." Klenzendorf grope for the ground till he finds his flask. "Cheers." He says and drinks. After that, he passes him the flask and Finkel takes a sip as well. "Tomorrow is the tricky day, however."

"The grenades."

"The grenades." He looks tired, more than usual. "Let's hope a kid doesn't kill himself with one of those."

"You only have to throw it, not so difficult." Klenzendorf snorts.

"You've seen people with grenades..." He doesn't finish the sentence. "You've seen people in general, some of them are not very bright and make a mess even with simple tasks." It is not about him, but Finkel feels attacked. He has never considered himself a bright person and hearing those words coming from him hurt even if he is not talking about him. "Oh... no, no. I'm not referring to you." Klenzendorf hugs him. "I'm talking about shitty kids." Finkel feels ashamed suddenly for being the way he is. His captain doesn't need this after a long day like this. He should be stronger like him. He wants to move and run but Klenzendorf's arm is strong. "Ey, Finky, let's enjoy this moment and not think about idiot kids ok?"

The word feels natural and perfect. Finky, he thinks, this is what he wanted. He wanted a nickname, one a bit cheesy but not so much. Finkel smiles and accommodates better He forgets about the shame or any insecurities. He takes a deep breath; it smells of sex now.

The next day doesn't go as planned. A boy, the one his captain promised to take care of, blows himself with a grenade in a pathetic attempt of... something, Finkel is not sure about what he wanted to prove. The boy doesn't die which is good, but that means problems for them. They leave the camp along with Fräulein Rahm and go back to the office. Days later his mother comes in one of the worst possible moments; They are listening to music and Klenzendorf is about to feed him (it is not the first time they do something like this to kill the time but it is the first time someone who is not Fräulein Rahm sees them), Finkel waits for the food with his mouth opens but it never comes and Finkel’s body tenses for a second but relaxes when he sees Rosie. She is mad but not as much as Finkel expects. He doesn't intervene when she hits Klenzendorf, following his instructions. They give the child something to do when his mother leaves. Finkel looks at his face, it is bad and it must hurt like hell, however, he never shows compassion for the boy. Fräulein Rahm comes to see Jojo and acclaims his bravery.

"You're young. You'll have the opportunity to fight in the future." She says and the words cheer Jojo who leaves with a small smile carrying the poster and everything he needs to put them on the walls. “The boy will never have a chance.” She says when he leaves.

“Poor thing…” Klenzendor sighs, but Finkel knows he doesn’t mean his own words. He is happy for the boy. He has a chance to survive this madness.

They meet Jojo in the swimming pool in the middle of some… training. Finkel doesn’t question why would anyone think this is training. Klenzendorf makes fun of this openly. Jojo is obsessed with Jews and, as always, he makes questions about them. Fräulein Rahm who is always near listens and decides to intervene in the conversation with another odd story about a Jew controlling her uncle’s mind to make him do atrocious things to his family and her sister. Finkel gasps and listens to her carefully trying not to laugh and showing too much interest. He would have loved to have the opportunity to know more about that morbid story but children are drowning. “Finky, they're drowning. Come on!”

He has to leave immediately and jumps into the pool. The water is cold, but Finkel doesn’t have time to adapt. He takes one of the boys and starts swimming to the stairs. He hates this, the boys cling onto him and Finkel has to fight not to drown with them. Saving some of them is exhausting and painful for one of his wounds that is never fully healing.

“This is absurd.” Klenzendorf complains after the training. He guides Finkel to a chair and starts swearing at fatty and clumsy kids who should be playing in the streets with stones and not thinking about hate and war with heavy backpacks on their backs inside a swimming pool. "Come, come..." Finkel sits and doesn't have time to think about anything when his jacket is on the ground and Klenzendorf's hands are massaging his neck. "This is bad for you. Really bad." It is not so bad but Klenzendorf tends to worry too much about his stupid injury and not about his which are much worse. "So tense..." He sighs.

He works for long minutes on his muscles till Finkel feels better. He wants to go to bed but doesn't want to go alone. Klenzendorf complains about things but Finkel is not paying attention. Klenzendorf kisses his head. "You should rest Finky." He says and Finkel nods. "I'll go with you to your room."

Not having visible wounds is a problem because people tend to think you are making them up. They think this is just an excuse to avoid the front. In the swimming pool, they have not received a lot of help since everybody thought he was fine to make that work. And Finkel has done it without complaining, he didn't want to worry his captain whose wounds need a lot of care.

Klenzendorf helps him to stand up, but the moment they leave the office, Finkel separates a little bit to avoid suspicion. Some kids praise his work after seeing him the pool. Rescuing brats with heavy bags is impressive even if you are not injured and people understand why he must be exhausted. In the door of his room, Finkel is ready so say goodnight but Klenzendorf enters with him.

"You need someone tonight." He says with a smile. "Who knows if your stupid injury is going to give you problems." They kiss that night and they touch each other under the sheets but nothing else. Finkel can't move and Klenzendorf knows it. Finkel ends naked with Klenzendorf's arms around him. His hair is touching his chin and he can smell him perfectly. Finkel kisses his chest and neck before closing his eyes. That night he is in peace with the world.

In the morning, they have breakfast too early in the morning. Finkel's body is a bit sore but he is fine. Finkel realizes at that moment that what they have now will not last forever. The moment the war ends, this will end as well. And it doesn’t matter who wins, this will end badly for them. Klenzendorf must have thought about this long time ago but hasn’t said anything to Finkel so he can enjoy this numb dream they are sharing. Klenzendorf looks at him and his smile fades a little bit. They both know now and they need to talk about it. Finkel doesn’t ask since when he has known, probably since the first day they entered this office. Klenzendorf is smart, so much smarter than Finkel… A heavy responsibility, Finkel thinks. He wants to touch him, but he can’t. Thus, he keeps his hands in their correct place. That day, Finkel doesn’t listen to Fräulein Rahm when she talks about a distant cousin who was seduced by a Jew and left the family to be with the man and bear his children. A fascinated story with a happy ending for them, but Finkel is not in the mood. Even if they decided to run, there wouldn’t be a happy ending waiting for them. They are faggots, abominations… Finkel shouts to some kids in the office and that startles Fräulein Rahm who has never seen him like that before, she has never known about his time in the real military. That day he sits completely straight and falls into all his old habits and even avoids Klenzendorf. He is efficient that day and does useful stuff. During the day, Fräulein Rahm makes a comment to Klenzendorf about him having a really bad day. He pours himself a drink and doesn’t take Klenzendorf’s flask. He is frustrated and mad with himself. Klenzendorf doesn’t try to talk with him once during the day.

At night, when he is ready to leave, Klenzendorf gives him some chores that he has to finish before he can leave. His body hurts, and he feels tired, but he does as he is being said. When he finishes, he is alone in the room. He never noticed when Klenzendorf left. That thought makes his stomach to twist painfully. Finkel wants to cry and starts moving around the place with no objective in mind. He has wasted one day being… He covers his mouth and stops in the middle of the room. He looks at the record player, he hasn’t put music that day. He hasn’t laugh or smile once in the day. He doubts about what to do. After some long minutes, he goes to the record player and puts a vinyl. When the music starts, he sits on the ground with his back against the wall. His stomach hurts, and he feels awful. He hides his face and rests his arms on his knees. He takes a deep breath but it doesn’t feel right. Nothing feels right. The night before, he lived a dream but now, he is in a nightmare until the moment he dies. After this, there will be nothing for them. They will die in the shadows.

This.

This is the best they can aspire.

This is all they can have.

Finkel hears the door, his captain is here. However, he doesn't move. He is too ashamed to look at him in the eye. Finkel hears his movements, around him. The music stops and some seconds later, the perfect voice of Ella Fitzgerald inundates the room. He didn't know they had a vinyl of her, but it is not a surprise for him, Klenzendorf is always bringing new vinyl since the moment he saw Finkel dancing and enjoying the music so much. Klenzendorf has been trying really hard to create something for them here, but there is nothing else to do now. Finkel wants to cry, but he doesn’t. His father made sure he didn’t raise a whiner. He hears the man stops in front of him, he is waiting.

“Let’s dance.” He says after a thick and tense silence. “Dancing always cheers you up.” He adds. The man takes his hand and before Finkel can think about saying no, his body is against Klenzendorf’s. He rests his head on his shoulder and moves at the rhythm of the music. He feels Klenzendorf’s arm around his waist and they intertwine their fingers. This is the best they can aspire in their lives and this will end with the war. He sighs, he is tired. They keep dancing for what it feels an eternity and a second at the same time. This is the end, he can feel it in his body. This is it for them. “The war will be over soon,” Klenzendorf informs him, even though Finkel knows that too. “We’re going to lose.” He is certain and Finkel believes it and prays for that to be true. Klenzendorf is going to make a question, but Finkel doesn’t give him the time.

“I’m tired.” It is all he says. He has been all his life hiding and lying, he has been unhappy for so many years in his own home… He doesn’t want to go back to that. He doesn’t want to end his days hiding and being angry with everyone around him. He is tired of hiding who he is.

“I understand.” Klenzendorf kisses his temple and they keep dancing till the music stops. They leave after putting away the vinyl. There is no excuse that day for klenzendorf to go to Finkel’s room but he goes and Finkel never complains. There is no time to waste. This is the end of their dream.

They fuck that night. Finkel gets lost in the pleasure of being with his captain. He kisses him and memorizes his body with all his scars and wounds. He savours his body and drinks from his mouth. He moans his name and calls him his captain. He hears his name pouring from his mouth like a plea. Klenzendorf touches him like it is the first time. He takes his time and his hands travel around all his body. There is no fear in the room in that night, they are the only ones that exist that night and the nights they will have after that.

This is all, Finkel thinks while Klenzendorf plays with his hair, but it is enough.

In the morning, they have breakfast together in the office. There are things they need to prepare and not enough time. They haven’t said the words but they know: they are not going to survive the imminent attack. They are not going to run to save their lives. They are doomed and they have sealed their destiny together. Finkel doesn't want to ask what he had in mind before that night. He doesn't want to know if he had thought of something else.

They decided to die in their own terms, without fear or shame. And the truth of what that means is peaceful for Finkel who will die being himself. He won't have to hide anymore. He will have that, at least. They design their own clothes and Finkel puts pink triangles in his cape. He knows what that means and it is what he wants. It would be an honour to die wearing something like this. He makes the drawing and colours it. He is not as good as Klenzendorf but he is proud of his creation.

He shows the design and Klenzendorf looks at him with a worried look. He knows what this means. He has seen them before. They have never talked about this, about symbols or how life for them was before the war. But it is obvious they know how to find men and how certain things worked between them. Klenzendorf doesn't ask anything, he just nods and takes his hand. This is what Finkel wants; to die without fear.

"We need to start working on them." Klenzendorf takes his drawing. "Could you allow me to improve the sketch?" He asks and Finkel nods. “The problem I see here is that we need someone who can sew certain parts”

“I can do that.”

“Really? It’s pretty difficult… this.” He says pointing to his sleeves and the long fringes falling.

“Yes, captain.” Finkel says while Fräulein Rahm passes next to him with some papers without paying attention to what they are doing.

“Ok. Now, we need to buy materials.”

Finkel leaves the office with a long list of things to do. He has to buy the fabric, fringes, buttons, feathers… and has to find some German Shepard to protect the city. Finkel doesn’t understand why Klenzendorf needs exactly that, it is oddly specific, but he does as he has been told. Later, when he arrives with the men in the office, he can see he has made a mistake. Klenzendorf looks wearily at him and with disappointment. When he shouts at him, Finkel can’t blame him. The dogs made more sense now that he mentions it. He is an idiot. His father used to say that and Finkel feels stupider even. No matter the years… he will keep doing things like this until the end. Klenzendorf apologizes immediately, but Finkel knows he is right to be mad at him. He wants to leave but Klenzendorf stops him.

“It’s a silly name for a dog, I should have been more clear.” He shouldn’t because anyone would have known. “You’re doing a great job.” His voice is softly and Finkel forgets where he is and who is around them.

“Danke.” He replies breathlessly. They look at each other and Finkel gets lost completely. Klenzendorf moves his head and for a moment he thinks he is going to kiss him, but one second later they remember where they are. Finkel sees Jojo looking at them with confusion shining in his eyes. Finkel walks away while Klenzendorf greets the kid who is still obsessed with Jews. He takes the boy and shows him a map full of nuts and explains the situation. Finkel eats some walnuts and Fräulein Rahm appears for a second to make a comment about cannibalism Russians, it is short but, as always, disturbing. Finkel’s eyes meet Klenzendorf’s and they share the same comment in their heads.

Jojo starts talking and it feels like a relief to be able to forget Fräulein Rahm’s contribution to the conversation. The kid presents his study about Jews: Yoohoo Jew, an expose about Jews. The name is too good and Finkel laughs along with Klenzendorf. And Fräulein Rahm joins them and, for the first time since they met her, what she says sounds normal. Klenzendorf cuts this and sits in his chair and invites the boy to see what they are doing. He is so proud of his work he is showing it to everybody, he doesn’t show Finkel’s. It is impossible that Jojo can know the meaning of the pink triangles but it is a risk he is not going to take. Finkel takes the papers to put them in a safe place and leave them alone to talk. Klenzendorf is trying to make the kid understand something. Finkel notices the way he leaves that day, there is something changing inside him.

He starts working on their uniforms. He remembers his mother then. When was the last time he sent her a letter? When was the last time he received a letter from her? They have been losing touch and Finkel doesn’t know why. Since his father’s death, they lost the feeling of obligation he guesses. He should say goodbye to her. She wasn’t a bad mother, she never made him feel guilty for the way he was even though she always corrected his posture and gestures. She was worried for him, she cried a lot because of him and was the first person to tell him the world was unfair and cruel, and the day he left, she told him a softly “I love you, son.” He sews the uniforms in the morning when there is no one around to see what he is doing. Klenzendorf is always with them, keeping him company. They don’t talk, there is no need for that; they share lazy kisses and Klenzendorf massages his back when the time for sewing is over and Fräulein Rahm is about to appear with her bright smile. Finkel treasures those moments and remembrances what they have when they are not together.

Finkel has worked with the Gestapo at the beginning of the war. He asks about them from time to time to other soldiers under Klenzendorf’s order to mess with their work. Nowadays, it is more difficult to follow all their movements but Finkel tries to do a good job for his captain. And that is why one day he learns they are going to Rosie’s house. He alerts Klenzendorf the exact moment he knows what they are doing. He calls him from a random house and runs to her house. They don’t share a word when Klenzendorf gives him a small bag and enters the house carrying a bike. The situation is tense but nothing happens. Jojo is alone with her sister and everything goes smoothly. It is one hour later when Finkel knows Jojo’s sister died some time ago and the girl was a Jew who was hiding at the house. He learns that while looking at Rosie’s body hanging in the middle of the square. Her bright clothes catch all the attention and Finkel has to stop looking through the window.

None of them has the guts to talk with the boy.

Jojo doesn’t come to the office after that day. Klenzendorf doesn’t visit or even mention his name. There is no time for that. Finkel cuts too many triangles for his cape and he ends with a handful of them hiding in one of the drawers of his table. Day by day, they are more careful with what they are doing. Finkel sews at night and during the day, he sleeps in a corner of their office, he doesn’t want to go to his room and leave his captain alone. Klenzendorf sleeps by his side while he works, Finkel can hear his snoring when the machine stops.

He writes a letter to his mother; he writes the only direction he knows and sends it. There is a big chance she will never receive the letter but Finkel doesn’t want to think about that possibility. In the letter, he tells her the truth about who he is and the man he loves. He tells her he has been happy with his captain. He doesn’t regret all the things he did that his father hated, but the things he did to make his father proud of him. Finkel tells her all the things he never could before and understands at that moment why he never wrote a letter before. These are all the things he wanted to tell her that never could. He couldn’t tell her why he was happy in the military; he couldn’t tell her he has found love; he couldn’t tell her the truth about his life. And Finkel never liked lying to her. He never minded lying to his father because he grew up doing that to please him, but he hated doing that to his mother. Finkel is going to die, thus, there is no need to hide anything anymore. He sends the letter and prays for her mother to read it because there is a small chance, she finds some comfort knowing her son has been happy in a moment of his life.

When they are finished, they try on the uniforms. Finkel has put all the triangles in one of the pockets of his jacket and Klenzendorf has small triangles too, he is more discrete but he wears them. They smile at each other and kiss. They undress the other slowly and with care of not ruining their new clothes. They observe the other, they memorize the other’s body one more time that night. It is a matter of days now. They will be attacked this week. However, Finkel doesn’t dwell on that fact. He is living this moment with the man he loves and that is the only thing that matters.

They fuck and drink and when they leave the office is to end tangled in Finkel’s sheet drinking more alcohol and celebrating this night. They are alive, drunk on happiness and love.

“I love you.” Klenzendorf says in the darkness of the night. His good eye is shining under the moonlight. “I know you know it. I know it has never been necessary for us to say it because we’ve been saying it since the day I wanted you to come with me. We’ve found the way to say the word without using it, but I wanted to tell you I love you. I wanted to use the word for real and not hide it…” Finkel doesn’t know what to say. They love each other, he has never doubted that, but he was sure he would die without hearing the words. “Maybe it’s stupid but I wanted to tell you.” Klenzendorf is nervous, that is new. “I love you.” He repeats one more time. Klenzendorf cups his face with his hands and looks at him directly. Finkel smells the whisky from his mouth, he breathes from his mouth. They lips are almost touching. “I love you.” He repeats one more time before kissing him.

“I love you too.” Finkel says between kisses with a smile. His heart pounds against his chest hard. He feels happy and complete. In that room, he has everything he ever wanted. Everything he loves is in his room. And he is so happy.

They keep drinking and smiling and giggling and kissing and fucking.

In the morning, they go late to work and they don’t care. And nobody cares. The Americans are almost here. Fräulein Rahm is ready for the attack and she is organizing children and weapons. At the same time, Klenzendorf terrorizes the children in a desperate attempt to save their lives. Children shouldn’t go to war, he whispers to Finkel who nods. Children shouldn’t be Nazis, he thinks too. Some of them leave which is a relief. Klenzendorf talks about the horrors he has seen but disguises them in honour. He talks about fire and blood, about dead soldiers and members burning on the ground. Finkel helps too by talking about the smell of burnt human meat.

At night, they close the door of their room and start drinking again. They have one more day to be together. If Klenzendorf has doubts, he never shows them. Finkel never doubts about the destiny he has chosen. He can’t go to where he was before knowing Klenzendorf. They sleep completely naked, hugging each other.

In the morning, the dream is over.

The Americans are here and probably the Russians too. Everybody is running and preparing for the attack. Klenzendorf doesn’t run, nor Finkel. They take their uniforms and dress the other. Finkel dresses his captain in silence and remains in silence when it is Klenzendorf’s turn to dress him. Klenzendorf smiles and shows him a black eye shadow. Finkels puts him the makeup and fixes his clothes. They share a slow and peaceful kiss before they open the door to join the chaos outside.

This is the end.

And it feels glorious.

People look at them like they are completely crazy but it feels great to be seen like this. He feels alive and fearless and divine. He follows his captain to the centre of the action. They empty their weapons. Finkel laughs with joy knowing he will die on his own terms, being out and not caring about anyone else who is not his captain. Their eyes meet in the middle of the battle and Finkel sees the happiness and sadness in Klenzendorf. He wanted more but that was impossible for them. Klenzendorf wanted more for him. However, there is no regret in his eyes. He doesn’t regret this.

Finkel roars next to Klenzendorf and his hands touch his back and arm. His hand moves until he can intertwine their fingers for a second. Finkel knows. Finkel is certain there is nothing more than this for them.

Finkel doesn't feel the bullet at the beginning. He feels a stabbing pain on his body but he doesn't stop. There is another sudden pain, but still, he doesn’t stop. He gives two steps more before his legs stop working and he falls on his knees. He calls Klenzendorf who looks at him with terror. This is his end, Finkel thinks. Klenzendorf catches him and smiles at him. This is the end, but Finkel feels lucky.

He is the lucky one.

He is the one dying in his lover's arm.

The last thing he will ever see is Klenzendorf's eyes.

He coughs and notices the warm blood slipping through his chin.

He is the lucky one.

Klenzendorf caresses him and fixes his hair with a solitary tear travelling down his cheek.

Klenzendorf tells him he loves him one last time.

He is the lucky one.

Finkel calls him “his captain” one last time and tells him he loves him too without air in his lungs.

Finkel is sorry for Klenzendorf who won't have such a sweet death like him.

He is the lucky one.

Finkel feels blessed when he closes his eyes for the last time knowing he died between his lover's arm with a smile.

**Author's Note:**

> This is all. When I started writing this I didn't expect to write something like this. I wanted to give some backstory to their relationship but I didn't think I would go this far. I'm proud of having finished this and I really hope people enjoy it.
> 
> I have an idea for a short fic from Klenzendorf's POV... but I'm not sure if I will be able to write it after this because I'm exhausted.
> 
> Comments and kudos are welcome!!!


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